I was raised in a home where I could only dream of what love meant. I didn’t see my father show love to my mother. Instead, they fought. My mom would yell at my dad for cheating, and my dad, in turn, would call my mother names. To avoid hearing the yelling and bickering, I would lock myself in my room. So much hurt surrounded me early on through the relational parental example in my life. I saw verbal and emotional abuse and understood firsthand the silent scars they leave on those impacted: depression, anxiety, low self-worth, and insecurities. I was determined to set myself up so I didn’t experience the same type of treatment in relationships.
When I met my husband, I was 12 years old, and it was love at first sight. A 15-year-old popular boy approached a 12-year-old girl. He was intrigued by my reserved nature, and I was smitten by him. I was so happy he chose me, and I was so in love. We married when I was 19 years old and stayed married for 17 years. Throughout my marriage, I wanted my husband to continue to choose me, but he didn’t. He kept choosing other women. And I kept forgiving and allowing the toxic behavior, hoping I would save my marriage. Unfortunately, in the process, I was losing myself. The behavior worsened, and my heart became numb to the pain.
I was suffocating in my marriage and in my life. I no longer recognized the woman in the mirror. I started having severe anxiety, anger, depression, and bitterness. I was falling apart. Decades after my childhood, I found myself living with the same conditions I’d tried to avoid. I was dealing with ongoing verbal and emotional mistreatment; I was disrespected, repeatedly cheated on, and made to feel less-than and unworthy of the love I was pouring out to others. But I finally reached my breaking point.
After seeing my mother transition from this world due to stage-4 stomach cancer, I made the decision to run from my marriage and to end the cyclical of betrayal and neglect. I had to choose between my sanity or my marriage. Of course, I chose my sanity. Hence, I divorced and cut any relational soul ties that existed.
When I left and took an honest look at myself, I felt hurt, abandoned, unloved, neglected…and the hardest part was that I felt I was to blame for what I allowed to happen. But I wasn’t codependent or weak. I was a wife who genuinely loved her husband and family. I was a woman who wanted to fight and believed that if I held on, then love would conquer all—but it didn’t. Love felt like it turned on me and, initially, I blamed Love. I questioned everything about my existence: What was wrong with me? Why was I not good enough? Why didn’t the only man who mattered (at that time) see me as beautiful? No matter what I did, no matter how much I tried to please my ex-husband, I hadn’t been enough for him.
I wanted my life to be different. I needed to heal and find my way back to me. So, I began my healing by first learning to practice the art of forgiveness. During my forgiveness journey, I learned an important lesson: I possess the power to get it all back. I learned to love myself, care for my needs, and discover my strengths and abilities. I realized I was smart, funny, loving, and gentle; and I started to enjoy my own company. I was enough for me, just as I was. I didn’t need anyone to complete me or to make me whole or happy. I just needed to believe in the God who created me in His own image. I started to affirm that I was the apple of God’s eye.
Today, I am single, successful, and satisfied. I love myself, my life, and the impact I make on the world. I am a professional woman and entrepreneur with an effective nonprofit for boys. In addition, I am a bestselling author, speaker, coach, a great mother, and a trustworthy and loyal person. I love myself and treat myself with love, respect, and admiration because I know I am worth it. I am more than enough. I now know that I am worthy of all the good things God has planned and promised for my future, and I won’t allow anyone to take my power away from me again.Leave a Comment