I am not ready for this! …No one ever really is! That was the call and response echoing in my mind after having thoughts about what my pregnancy would mean for my life. I did not know how it would change me. I did not know what my thoughts, my dreams, or my desires would look like once I decided to take the plunge into motherhood.
I’d heard somewhere that a person only ever becomes a mother for the first time once in her life. That statement still resonates with me because who I was before becoming a mother is no more. I am an entirely different person now. Though I may want the same things out of life as an individual, everything I do from this point forward will impact my son and the life I hope to build for him.
My son’s father is very much present and a pillar of strength when I need one to lean on, but nothing compares to my need to remain resilient from the inside out. I want to be the best mother to my child, but I want to be the best me for me first and foremost. I don’t want to lose sight of the person I was before motherhood because she is the woman that drove me to be passionate, persistent, goal-oriented, experiential, and fun-loving. I cannot let go of that woman because she is who my son will look to when he finds himself needing a bit of encouragement to step out there and “give it a try.”
As his mother, I want my son to realize that bringing him into this world took a mustering up of faith in my higher power. I had to believe that I was covered every step of the way and, as an extension of me, he too was and is covered by the very source that made his life possible.
By listening to God’s whisper, I was able to truly hear the message. That message was clear: I needed to follow through and let the guide to motherhood lead me to an unbelievable blessing that came in the form of a tiny but mighty Black boy. I want my young king to know that doing something new takes courage and willpower, but it also takes a healthy dose of fear to be able to attack the new thing with every ounce of the power he was blessed with.
On days when I worry about getting back to the “old me”, the one who so badly wants to check items off that To-Do list, I remember that it is the new me who’s preparing to tackle those projects. It is the new me that WILL accomplish those goals. One way or another I will make those things happen for myself. Because each day my son grows, I realize motherhood does not have to equate to a complete and utter sacrifice of self. Instead, the beauty of motherhood is that it can equal newfound creativity at every stage of my son’s development and that of my own.
I do not need to rid myself of practices that make up the fabric of who I am. Rather, the pursuit of my dreams—however big or small—will show my son that all things are possible by faith. Therefore, each time I step out of the comfort of my boat and into unknown waters, I am shaking off doubt and turning my fears into the healthy motivation I need to keep trying. Because my journey is no longer just about me. This faith walk is now also about a son and his need to see his mother walking in her God-given purpose.Leave a Comment